...His Dead Wife Was Watching!

"Oh no! A pimple on the day before the dance!"

Someone got paid to write this!!!

Edward D. Wood, Jr. was a master of these. Observe:

Narrator: "At the funeral of the old man, unknown to his mourners, his dead wife was watching!"

- PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1959)

See, the first line is obviously the result of a copywriter trying desperately to wedge atmosphere, character and the specific problem of the story into the first 3 seconds of a 30-second commercial so that the last 27 seconds can deal with the solution (the zit-cream we're meant to buy to feel better about ourselves during high-profile social engagements).

The second line is just an over-zealous writer/director unwilling to take a second pass at the script he knows the director will approve.

Whatever the reason, we sometimes get lazy AND ambitious simultaneously. We try to do too much in too little time and produce some really funny dialogue.

Literary types have this game based on this line:

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

-Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)

The object of the game is to flex the creative and gramatical muscles by coming up with an opening sentence that breaks rules of good taste and good sense. (By good taste, I'm talking about a refined taste; I'm not talking about trying to come up with your own version of "The Aristocrats" joke here!)

So my proposed game:

Try to fit as much exposition -- story and character -- into the shortest line you can manage. If you write a line that might actually work in a movie or play, then you haven't packed enough exposition in there.

Don't be overly obvious. You want to be as subtle as possible. The line that inspired this game almost works. I've heard much worse in local comercials. But you're not looking for a good line.

The usefulness of the game is learning about balance. You want to cram just a little too much information. Use your own taste and judgement.

Just be bad.

But not too bad...

Here are my attempts, to get you started. Post your own in the comments (so everyone who reads this can enjoy your near-genius).

"Just because you're the most popular employee in this department doesn't mean you'll always be able to get by taking credit for the work that I do!"

"I know that I've always tried to pretend I wasn't in love with you, but the truth is I was protecting you from the dark secrets in my family's past."

"Do you mean to tell me that the irreplaceable hyper-cortex coil that is the sole source of power for this military spacecraft is broken, stranding us in the atmosphere with no way to get back to Earth?"

"What do you mean you're going to defeat me before I get a chance to avenge my father's accidental death?"

(I think the third one is my personal favorite.)